Physics culture: letting go of resentments
Physics culture has not always been kind to me or my friends. As seems to be the norm for physicists from underrepresented groups such as myself, I have experienced or witnessed my share of queerphobia, invalidation of women, and just plain immaturity from physicists who were supposed to be my comerades. As a multiply-marginalized woman in physics, I have witnessed resentments stack up against the system (even as I have learned to forgive individual acts rather readily).
These layers of resentment are insidious, and I’m not in the position to blame anyone for having them! However, to all other marginalized physicists out there, I want to ask the question: Are our resentments really serving us? And if not, how can releasing our resentments against physics culture actually lead to a better environment for ourselves and those around us?
To be clear: I am emphatically not advocating for passive resignation to senseless acts of oppression and invalidation. We have every right to be angry when we or our friends are mistreated, or when we reflect on the state of diversity and inclusion in our field. What I am advocating is that all of us in these environments do a personal self-check on our own well-being from time to time and not let resentments fester unaddressed. As a wise woman recently reminded me, “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person [or system] to die!”
While I do not wish to speak for anyone else, I have learned this lesson the hard way far too many times. Over the past couple of months, I have come to realize two difficult truths about my resentments around physics culture:
1) Resenting physics culture does nothing to heal me from the effects of physics culture. Continually recounting the wrongs that have been done to me only makes me feel sorry for myself; it doesn’t help me become more resilient or able to accomplish my own goals. Experiencing my feelings and letting them go heals me, not burying and nourishing them.
2) Resenting physics culture does nothing to change physics culture. I have built many a friendship on shared sorrows around physics culture, and these friendships have absolutely helped me bond with other marginalized physicists and survive difficult situations. But the times I have been most successful in actually improving physics culture for the better have been times where I have built collaborations around shared hope rather than ceaseless rumination and commiseration — when we can channel our feelings into productive ends (feeling and working through the tears together) rather than burying them in cynicism.
For the longest time, I felt afraid to let resentments toward physics culture go because I worried that doing so would make me a less effective agent for change. Instead, I have found the reverse to be true! I will always have my story, and the collection of my writing will always be a testament to that. Letting go of resentment of physics culture doesn’t mean blotting out or forgetting the past. It means facing it, intentionally choosing to heal from it, and valuing myself enough to focus on the 90% of the battle so I can equip myself for the other 10% whenever a moment for action truly presents itself!
