Character growth is 90% of the battle
When I first came into cultural change work in physics, personal growth was the last thing on my mind. How could anyone expect me to work on building my own character when most colleagues in the department couldn’t even get my pronouns right? Why worry about minor defects in my own character when white men could have literal temper tantrums and still be seen as paragons of intelligence? If I wanted to work on my own character, I would first need others with more privilege to work on theirs. At least, that was my attitude at the time.
It took a lot of humbling experiences for me to see how wrong this attitude was. Sure, the worst offenses in the physics department tended to be committed by the most privileged (and least self-aware) physicists. Sure, it seems easier to grow one’s own character when treated as an equal. But to make a truly meaningful change in the physics culture around me, I would have to put these self-serving justifications aside. In equity and inclusion work (and, arguably, activism writ large) personal character growth is 90% of the battle. In the following sections, I discuss three important reasons why.
Double standards aren’t going away
As much as it pains me to say it, double standards are a fact of life for those of us positioned anywhere but the uppermost rungs of the kyriarchy. I used to resent the double standards I experienced (particularly after my rapid “fall from grace” associated with my gender transition as someone previously perceived as a straight white man). In time, I have grown to deeply appreciate the same double standards because they force me to be a better person against the odds.
Physics culture is a world where white male anger is characterized as rational -- even if it leads to temper tantrums -- while queerness, femininity, Blackness, Indigeneity, and authenticity are cast as the antitheses of reason. In such a culture, to be marginalized and have any character flaws is to risk being cast as a hypocrite. How can I expect white men to listen to me with open ears (something not part of their job description) when I can’t listen to their babble non-judgmentally myself? Obviously, to have no character flaws is an impossibility in this world, but in a world of double standards we must aspire for the higher road and live accordingly. Stereotypes die when our own fortitude of character defies the stereotypes projected onto us.
Character growth is how we lead by example
Nobody appreciates a leader who preaches lofty values and doesn’t make an attempt to live by them herself. Character growth isn’t easy and, for many privileged folk who have never had their integrity questioned, seems like an impossible ask. The more privilege one has, the easier it is to attempt to assassinate the character of the marginalized than to introspect into oneself.
Picture, instead, an arena in which the most marginalized exemplify the principles of self-responsibility they implicitly preach. This is the sort of leader that anyone would want to follow. I have found the greatest changes in physics culture have come from my own willingness to own up to small faults, because when I do that I show an example that it is possible to focus on growing my character while still remaining a physicist. Sure, as a marginalized physicist I constantly find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. But nothing is more inspirational to those on the edge than seeing someone discuss the rock and hard place honestly without complaining about them, and instead choosing to live the life with the greatest integrity possible amid those circumstances.
Character growth is the key to coalition building
Coalition building is the key to long-lasting cultural change. In a field with as appalling a lack of diversity as physics, we need marginalized physicists to stand up for one another’s liberation. Intersectionality means that for the most marginalized to be liberated, we must focus directly on their liberation, a task that the numbers tend to make impossible without coalition building.
The problem is that coalitions naturally involve people with different interests fighting for and alongside one another as allies and compatriots (or turncoats). In such an environment, slights will happen and feelings are bound to get hurt accidentally. If everyone (or at least enough of the group) is being self-accountable and self-responsible, then these happenings are but minor stumbling blocks that ultimately lead to growth. If instead, members of the coalition lack self-accountability, these issues need to be policed by others (or worse, are left to run rampant) leading to divisions that tear the coalition apart. Since group norms rub off an individuals, it doesn’t take every individual explicitly dedicated to character growth to create this culture of self-accountability, but it does take those of us who care doing our damnedest.
Conclusion: Character growth is 90% of the battle
I used to think that 90% of the battle of equity and inclusion was to change other people’s character. Over time, I have come to realize that the 90% is rather to change my own. My own character is the only thing I can count on being able to change, but the benefits of doing so spill out into my professional life. If I learn to grow in patience toward the men who are mansplaining to me, I can react with love and call them in — rather than calling out — in a way that breeds unity rather than division and makes them want to change themselves. If I can accept others as they are, it is much easier for them to accept me. (And since the most privileged physicists have little extrinsic motivation to build their character amid the vacuum of accountability that is physics culture, anything that helps them build an intrinsic motivation will reap rewards far into the future.)
Yes, the whole situation is unfair. Why should those of us who take the most sh*t on a daily basis have to behave impeccably in the face of white male bullying and temper tantrums? Shouldn’t they be the ones who need to change first?
Part of the change, I think, is to stop placing fairness on a pedestal it doesn’t deserve. Life isn’t fair, and things that are fair are seldom liberatory. When we stop focusing on what is fair, and instead focus on deeper virtues such as love and justice, the 90% of the battle that is our own character development no longer seems as onerous. Rather, it’s a unique honor that we as marginalized physicists get to carry – to become beacons of integrity in a world intent on stripping this away from us, and in so doing to reshape physics culture from the inside out.
